What's happening.
Your 13-year-old, mid-dinner, casually: “Did you know there's a TikTok account that's been making fun of my outfit choices? Like, three videos so far.” The casual tone is the tell.
What we usually say — and why it backfires.
WHAT? Show me. I'm reporting that account.
DON'T. Oh my god, I shouldn't have said anything.
Why not? They're bullying you!
(downplays so you'll drop it, suffers privately for the next 4 weeks)
- Jumping to “report the account” in 5 seconds is the parent solving for their own discomfort, not the teen's situation.
- “They're bullying you” may be true and is the framing the teen specifically didn't use — they minimized for a reason.
- The teen quickly retracts the disclosure and you've lost the visibility forever.
What works — and why.
Ugh. That's awful. How long has it been going on, and how are you doing with it — honestly?
Two weeks. Mostly fine but kind of brutal at school after the last one.
Two weeks is a long time to carry that alone. I'm so glad you told me. What do you actually want to do about it — and what would feel worse for you, leaving it alone or me getting involved with the school?
...leaving it alone, honestly. School involvement would draw more attention.
Okay. I trust you to know that. But here's the deal — I'm going to quietly screenshot the videos so we have evidence if it escalates. And we re-check in next week. If it's still going, we revisit the school question together. Sound okay?
- “How are you doing with it — honestly?” gives them permission to drop the casual tone they were performing.
- “What would feel worse — leaving it alone or me getting involved” respects that they know their school's social dynamics better than you do.
- Documenting quietly + revisiting on a fixed timeline gives you the parental safety net without overriding their judgment.
Key phrases to reach for in the moment.
- How are you doing with it — honestly?
- Two weeks is a long time to carry that alone. I'm so glad you told me.
- What would feel worse — leaving it alone or me getting involved?
- I'll quietly screenshot for evidence. We re-check in next week.
